New Year 2015

(There is so much I want to write right now and my heart is restless to let out and transform all these feelings into thoughts but I don’t think I can.)

Another year is ending. This is what life is all about, right? It is always a cycle of endings and new beginnings with inevitable surprises.

Such is life.

Despite the madness of life, I am full of gratitude to the Most High for this year. It was indeed a cliche roller-coaster ride. A lot has happened that tested my will, faith, and perspective. As I mature, I realize that challenges keep on coming – it is inevitable but it always coerces me to a game face.

Who likes to be out of their comfort zone? Take me out of the list. But I really appreciate that God pulled me out of my safe box to hone me and make my faith grow stronger. For every unfortunate event that happened to me, God made my heart more courageous and understanding.

I did not resent these unwanted events; instead I became thankful – really thankful and grateful. True enough, we get tough if we are faced with challenges. I can say I am braver now than I am before. I learned to trust God in everything and see to it that everything happens for a reason which is according to His will and purpose. I may have experienced hurt and betrayal, highs and pains, but God used these polarized emotions to prepare me to face all the injustices in life.

I appreciate that I had to burn to be able to shine, that I had to experience pain to see that there is joy beyond suffering, that I had to bear weight to strengthen my endurance, and that I had to be lost in order to seek the right path to God.

There is so much to be grateful for and this New Year is all about gratitude. I am so ready for new challenges because I know God will uphold me and will never abandon me. He is with me through it all. All praises and thanks to my gracious Father in Heaven for continuously changing my life and especially for loving a wretched person like me.

I commit this year to my Heavenly Father and I hold dearly to His promise.

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Happy New Year! J

A Letter To My Grieving Self

My dear Grieving Self,

Your heart is left to dry. How could you have hurt and cry this much that you are seeped from the vitality of life? How on earth could you have let yourself be tossed and turned by these wild matters of the heart and be so helpless and filled with melancholy?

You are a strong woman but you have permitted someone to crush your spirit in exchange for the deceitful yet alluring claims of love. I could not blame you to be so credulous to believe in its power for it is like the attractive apple that tempted Eve, sweet and pleasing to senses.

That constellation feeling you get that puts you to cloud nine, those confections of words that perfected the potion that got you falling, the concoction of starry-eyed promises that make you stay. These all overwhelm you not until push comes to shove when you begin to see that it is not as sweet as you thought it can be.

Reality bites, my darling. Reality bites.

I have seen you cry but I have never seen you cried this much. Your sea of tears are evidence of deep sorrow that you could have drowned in it.

Woe to you.

I know you are tired and already weary of enduring the repercussions of love and my heart is with you. I admire your brevity to admit your emotional death — you are humble enough to admit your loss and defeat.

I know that insurmountable burden you cradle in your patient, loving, forgiving heart. I feel that it is too heavy a burden for you to carry. You do not deserve this. It left you weak and succumbing to survive. It left you at your most vulnerable and defenseless, almost about to raise the white flag.

But hush, and take it slowly. No, it is not suicide I am asking of you. I just want you to tender yourself and see that pains are healthy, that they are capable of resurrecting you to your optimum. Pain produces testing of virtue and courage. If you overcome this intense of a hurt, there will be no more hurt that you can hardly overcome in the future.

This is my battle cry to you: never resist and deny pain. Let pain work the valor in you. Let it be felt in your being like the blood rushing in your veins, like the air that flows in and out of your lungs. Let it penetrate the innermost of your soul and make you feel alive and human — capable of being ached, destroyed, and prostrate. After so then you will only see that you can master the austerity of pain, that nobody has the right to hurt you unless you permit them to do so.

I know your sorrows and your heart is dying but take heart to live for the fullness of joy ahead of you. Be courageous to deal with this, my dear woman. Though debilitating, pain is a proof that you are breathing and existing, and that you matter. Grieve in silence, meditate, and reflect but please do not wallow in miseries. Bathe yourself with positive thoughts.

And one last thing: as dangerous as it seems, please still believe in love.

2 Years at DT: Part 1

Since July 2 is my job anniversary date, I would like to write a little tribute to the people who made my stay worthwhile, fun, challenging, and exciting at the same time in the workplace.

It’s been two years since I’ve landed this job. I wasn’t really sure at first if I will fair at this work because research isn’t one of my fortes. However, I know everyone has their own learning curve and everyone is trainable, so brave-heartedly, I pushed through with my application and mustered all the guts I can to be able to stomach taking the research path.

Let me give a heads-up why I was so intimidated with this job.

As I can vividly remember, Clinical Research isn’t my favorite subject in college. This is the subject I have taken for granted because I found it too boring to write and read a lot about healthcare and clinical stuff (but I actually enjoyed it a little later when I was finishing my thesis). Moreover, Clinical Research sessions are my favorite time to cut classes, snooze, doodle, eat, and gossip with my classmates. But God is merciful despite my stubborn school behavior; He gave me a good grade in research (which I know I somehow deserve because I was one of the ten people in our group to have contributed amply in writing and analysis). So I cannot really contemplate the irony of life.  God put me to a job that is not my cup of tea but at the same time He is just so gracious to put me here where I can continuously learn and acquire new knowledge and not only that, but also meet nice colleagues and became friends with them.

I started out as a Document Analyst, creating forms, reports, adhocs, and obviously documents necessary for the conduct of a clinical trial. It was challenging and I liked it. But there came a point where I want to venture for greater opportunities so I tried to apply as a flight attendant and to no avail, my innate anthropometrics did not make it to the standards of an FA. My height was lacking of the expected FA height standard and I don’t think I could ever climb to the standards. After all I am now in my quarter life that no pill could ever make me taller unless I can visit wonderland and eat the tall pill after falling down the rabbit hole.

Despite the frustration and failure, after almost two years, I have been assigned to be a monitor for data related to nursing (as far as I know that was my task). I was happy to be doing something I can relate to but after a short while I was asked to transfer to another task and that is to be an Operations Coordinator which is my current JD. So far, I enjoy my job with the help of the people who have put color to my life at work.

So enough about the history of my work, let me tell you something about my friends in the workplace.

I started out as an outcast, actually me and Ate Eva. We were newbie then and we reckon that the whole department was already chums with each other that we found it hard to penetrate the friendship circle at work. Fortunately, somebody by the name of Joseph found mercy and let us in their friendship circle.

Originally, there was Eva, Joseph, Kristel, and Ana. They were my first friends at work.

Joseph, he was the first one to show compassion and mercy to outcasts like me and Ate Eva and invited us to join them for lunch. He was the first one to approach us and flash us with his angelic smile (which I thought wrong later on ­­– there’s no such thing as angelic smile from Joseph). Joseph is a hardworking person and must I say, most punctual that I know of in our department. I look up to him in a way that he is humble to admit his mistakes (at times, not) and humble to ask for advice and sound judgment. Though he is one of the favorite persons to make fun of at work, he is equally as bully as anyone in the department when he is in the mood. Joseph is kind enough to lend money and lend his credit card for the use of the team. What I like most in Joseph is that he is a good steward of money. I look up to him and respect him in this sense and that he is able to invest in necessary items and luxuries without running short of money.

Eva, was my first friend at work because she is my co-hire. I treat her as an older sister that I never had. I have so much respect for her because she still exhibits a kind attitude even if she’s pissed. Her values are always coordinated with her actions. She is a proof of practice-what-you-preach principle. Just like Joseph, she is a good financial steward. Moreover, Eva is one of the persons I heed advice from. I trust her with my sentiments and I trust her for unbiased advices. I am happy that she is blooming and improving in the social sense because she was very timid during the first years. I can compare her to a butterfly undergoing metamorphosis and she has improved a lot over the course of years. She now has something sarcastic to say about Joseph and whenever she gives funny remarks, it’s a hard blow that can make us all laugh.

Kristel, is a passionate leader. She is one of the persons you know was really born a leader. Since Kristel is our Senior Analyst that time, she is very fun to work with. She is helpful and resourceful and she doesn’t put too much stress on people. She makes working light and fun. Her leadership is a good role model to us. What I most like about Kristel is that she knows what she is doing and she exercises her authority in the correct and reasonable way. Also, Kristel is a very outgoing and sociable person. She likes trying things which I love, too. One of my favorite traits of Kristel is her humility. She humbles herself and admits her flaws and she has been a good example to me on how to embrace oneself despite the flaws. Plus, I adore her really good and healthy skin not to mention, her talent in singing and dancing. She is indeed God’s daughter and I admire her faith. She is blessed in so many ways and I am just so happy and thankful to become friends with her.

Ana – this little lady has smitten me with her charm and charisma. At first, I thought she will be the last one I will ever like because she has a strong, growling personality. But as time goes by, I learned that she is just tough on the shell but melting in the core. Seriously, she’s small but terrible (in a positive way). She can use her strength to punch somebody who has offended her (peace be with you). Kidding aside, Ana has a colorful story and what I admire most in her is her love for her family. She used to tell me stories about her life and I see that she has been through a lot and she is credible to give advices in relation to my painful experiences. Her mean sense of humor got me to like her too. Furthermore, her talent and love in beautiful things. She is our salon diva who makes sure our nails are prettified. Not only does she give life advices, but also beauty, fitness, food, lifestyle, etc. This woman, albeit small, is one of the persons I adore at workplace.

Let me continue with my next post the other characters that put color to my work life. J