A Letter To My Grieving Self

My dear Grieving Self,

Your heart is left to dry. How could you have hurt and cry this much that you are seeped from the vitality of life? How on earth could you have let yourself be tossed and turned by these wild matters of the heart and be so helpless and filled with melancholy?

You are a strong woman but you have permitted someone to crush your spirit in exchange for the deceitful yet alluring claims of love. I could not blame you to be so credulous to believe in its power for it is like the attractive apple that tempted Eve, sweet and pleasing to senses.

That constellation feeling you get that puts you to cloud nine, those confections of words that perfected the potion that got you falling, the concoction of starry-eyed promises that make you stay. These all overwhelm you not until push comes to shove when you begin to see that it is not as sweet as you thought it can be.

Reality bites, my darling. Reality bites.

I have seen you cry but I have never seen you cried this much. Your sea of tears are evidence of deep sorrow that you could have drowned in it.

Woe to you.

I know you are tired and already weary of enduring the repercussions of love and my heart is with you. I admire your brevity to admit your emotional death — you are humble enough to admit your loss and defeat.

I know that insurmountable burden you cradle in your patient, loving, forgiving heart. I feel that it is too heavy a burden for you to carry. You do not deserve this. It left you weak and succumbing to survive. It left you at your most vulnerable and defenseless, almost about to raise the white flag.

But hush, and take it slowly. No, it is not suicide I am asking of you. I just want you to tender yourself and see that pains are healthy, that they are capable of resurrecting you to your optimum. Pain produces testing of virtue and courage. If you overcome this intense of a hurt, there will be no more hurt that you can hardly overcome in the future.

This is my battle cry to you: never resist and deny pain. Let pain work the valor in you. Let it be felt in your being like the blood rushing in your veins, like the air that flows in and out of your lungs. Let it penetrate the innermost of your soul and make you feel alive and human — capable of being ached, destroyed, and prostrate. After so then you will only see that you can master the austerity of pain, that nobody has the right to hurt you unless you permit them to do so.

I know your sorrows and your heart is dying but take heart to live for the fullness of joy ahead of you. Be courageous to deal with this, my dear woman. Though debilitating, pain is a proof that you are breathing and existing, and that you matter. Grieve in silence, meditate, and reflect but please do not wallow in miseries. Bathe yourself with positive thoughts.

And one last thing: as dangerous as it seems, please still believe in love.

Pawning The First Move

There are many words I can only leave unsaid

― dead and broken, incapable of resurrection.

Loss and tragedy, emotion and destiny.

Hush now, darling. Silence is my only lullaby.


While the vacuum of the unknown is slowly devouring me,

the unrelenting mindless games are poison slowly killing me.

The end is death and it does it even matter?

No, not at all darling. No, not at all. Hush.


My redemption is at hand and my reward is glistening before my eyes.

I could leave, close the door, burn the bridges then throw the keys.

But I just can't. Not now.

But I am already on my way.


For the good? I still cannot say.

Let it drift, let it fly, let it die.

But I am already on my way,

pawning the first move.

Asphyxia

There is this riotous void that has been harrowing my emotions and putting me in distress. This has been going on for a long time now. I sometimes feign to believe that all will soon be a happy ending but I guess I am just deceiving myself with these sustained dense, mighty lies. There is never a readiness that exists from within to accept them. I just can't for a plethora of reasons. They have hurt me and scarred me deeply that reconciliation is beyond possible. They made it clear that their intense disdain are instilled in my mind. The thought of them are like acrid taste in my mouth which I can never tolerate that I tend to spit over again.

I am awfully disdained with this tumultuous hatred and my heart cannot bear it. My heart longs for a change - peace, humility, acceptance, and most importantly, forgiveness. Forgiveness is a hard work and I know I will be working laboriously to gain this and give this to the one who rightfully needs it - for justice and peace.

Like A Thin Smoke

You were just a shadow, dark and undistinguished in the vast, unfathomable limbo of unknown characters. But light has shed on you and you emerged shining, Apollo-like, bathing in knowledge, forethought, and wit concealing your errors and darkness. But you are flawed and defective, not even close to godlike. But still, I was awestruck and amazed, crashed with your remarkable and exceptional quip that I can mirror myself as Athena in you.

Knowledge is a crown in your head that blinds and enslaves me. Your clever perspective mutes me and your strong power of intelligence encases me into the oblivion from reality. I drown in your faculty of sewing fictions incessantly, losing me in the depths of your cunning craft. Albeit, I rejected any chance and possibilities despite your wonders and capabilities. I accepted my loss and I knew, I have fallen to defeat.

My consciousness drew the boundaries that strayed me away from anything possible and capable. We are our own mysteries that can never be solved. Losing is our own salvation. So, it is farewell before it even began.

Save Me

My heart is shattered asunder into a million pieces about the things that are beyond reparable. Pardon the hyperbole, but this existing feeling is becoming too unbearable. I have been a fool trying to find valuable resolutions to this ongoing heartache. I face all of this bravely but a lot of times, I cower at the thought of breaking up and down. I know there are many reasons why I should not even stay, but I still remain faithful to my heartfelt oath and I deny all my emotions that pull me away from my promise. But I cannot stay just because of a vow and there are already too many unfortunate events that happened that severed the relationship. Events that are irreversible and should never be re-visited. Those words that were said that pierced like a fine, sharp machete and echoes eternally in my ears; all the hapless misunderstanding, the anomalous disrespect, and all the deceiving lies that one can say because of an overwhelming emotion – almost everything went beyond control. Fortunately, there is still the ups – the brighter side, the happiness. But I used to think that life is most of the time lonely because you journey through it alone (pretty much than it is happy). I sometimes find that walking away and burning all the bridges would work but don't get me wrong; this does not relate anywhere to surrendering the white flag. For me, it is letting go, letting everything run its course according to the written fates.

Skeletons In My Closet 4

I'll try to be as cryptic as possible. I would like to make it in a song but I simply am not able.

You may or may not know but somehow, there is this that pulls me like gravity, such fascination, into you. You may think it's someone else in particular. In the first place, I would not even say cryptic if it's someone else in particular. I would've pointed it out at the beginning. But truth be told, it's you. Like a compass, it should tell you where is all this I'm pointing at. Perhaps, west. Maybe, east. But really, not even north or south. Magically, it points at you. Not the ardent desire, just real fascination and admiration, if you know what I mean. Well, you may never really know this and you may not even care. This feeling is certainly concealed. That's what I am trying to show you, well, not until now that I gave a little excess of information. Perhaps, I should expect that you already got the notion about all this but I would like to think that there is still a big probability that you have not and you wouldn't mind at all. But I am hoping. I have known you as someone who is keen and who pays attention to little details such as this nonsense.  Plus, I know you are witty and bright. Pretty sure, you will decode this sooner or later.

Again, confessions.

Wayward Dog-hearted Lewdster

I feel like a helpless prey trapped in a snare. It sucks to have myself entangled with people who are never really necessary in my life. Building a stable and positive, if not positive, at least a neutral relationship with them has now become one of the things that I need to worry about and constantly deal with. I am coerced to accept the big possibility of my fate getting entwined perpetually with these "unnecessary people." Being involved with them is never my option. It just all originated when I met someone special in my life. I guess being connected with them just tags along.

I wasn't really happy circa beginning that I met these "unnecessary people." I have tried comprehending the situation long before as I was warned and given the idea of what kind of people they are. I tried to understand but I never thought that situations could get even worse and more irksome once you get to know them face-to-face. From the start, I only received apathy, anger, guilt and power trips, hatred, and indifference -- which is not a very nice scenario when you are in my POV. I met them only a few times and the experience was unforgettable, burdensome, and tedious. I never expected special treatments but the indifference around their presence is completely bothersome! What the hell did I do to deserve such treatment? I never did anything wrong. I was kind and polite, courteous and congenial to them. Nevertheless, I still get execrable treatment in exchange for my positive attitude. 

Even though I have met them only a few times, I am still connected with them via this person and this connection yielded to a silent and cold war; haplessly, it still wages. I foresee that this burden of establishing neutral relationships with these rude boors will continue for a lifetime and will only subside when I finally detached myself from this person (which goes to almost zero possibility). It sucks to know that they hate me for obviously unreasonable claims. It bothers me a lot and as long as my relationship continues with this person, the concealed fight will continuously carry on.

It's such a pain in the ass to bear this beastly problem. I am bound to deal with these "unnecessary people" even when I should be the least person who should be concerned. How I wish I can freely express my enmity and abhorrence towards them and the situation they have put me into without inflicting anyone to emotional hurt. Oh the pang and disgust that I feel that I was even condemned and never was given a chance to redeem myself! How I wish I could iron things out but it turns out, no matter what, nobody can ever please everybody.

Green-Eyed Monster

[Pulse x3. Bead sweats. Hot flush. Redness. Heat. Pupils: contracted. Snake eyes. Raised eyebrow.]

But why? Why does this have to be engulfing? This terror took a dive inside of me and landed painfully. Irksome. My ego fell into suicide. I felt as if my gut was displaced and pulled out. Unbelievable. This is not happening to me (or let's put it this way, I never imagined this would happen). It is conspicuously determined to apply a blatant blow. I figured out that one and I thought I would be strong when the green-eyed monster strikes, but I guess, I am frail, weak, fragile, and vulnerable. The pang was strongly undesirable and inevitable. I was... hurt.

Dip

It felt all empty
And I cantered for some light
Vain and pointless,
And I had it all done.
All in the haven
Of such forlorn hours,
A little harsh but
My head clamored for tolerance.

Sieged

It was not much of a greater desire to conjure everything to words but naturally, it comes out. From greater depths, they emerge in perfect forms --- consummated connotations. To define and describe, I begin with the souls’ windows. I stare at those crystal eyes and they stare back, amazingly. It is like gazing at the sky, placid. A burning sensation there is, like the radiating heat of the burning sunshine. It tortures my feelings but staring at it gives me a sense of belonging, a sense of attachment --- not shallow nor deep; just. I sense a dilemma as I gaze at that red flesh in his visage. A part of me hesitates and twists, a part of me denies the likeness. Sometimes, I misunderstood the magic whenever those lushy flesh touch mine. The sincerity and warmth, he makes me feel alive. Sometimes I feign not to feel extraordinary for I know I can never be candid to tell him that it was so magical, yet peculiar. I guess holding his hand, too, is magical. I can feel how his fingers fit almost perfectly in the spaces between mine. It makes me feel secured which brings me to an assumption, possibly, that he will not let go of it. Of course, I do not depend on false hopes alone. Though my imagination of him holding on can be sloughed off, I know, as long as I got him, I will never let go. Besides, I love how his hand carelessly brushes to my cheek whenever he wants to show that he adores me. He treats me as his good friend. I think it is sweet and I like it, but sometimes I shyly admit it. I know he does not what most usually do, but he does something unique, something quite new. Even though he irritates me with his indifferent acts, he still can paint a fresh smile on my face. He knows the best time to cheer me up. I know he is always there, he stays. As days gone by, I can say I knew him little by little as he knew me. As wishes are wished, I hope lots of days would still come when it will rain chances for this affair to become a little sweeter, much changed.

Asthenia

The turn of events happened not in a very pleasing manner that enervated her soul. Her supply of serotonins and endorphines were going low and a total emotional break down was pending to take place. Lately, she has poured out as much tears as she can even though she very well have this questionable valor in doing so. She wept and whined silently, she did not even complain of the orbital pain caused by her swollen eyelids. It is not in her characteristic to turn absolutely weak in times of undesirable setback. She is strong-willed and she tries to redeem her strength in every difficult situation. But it is not always the case, it seemed that the tables were turned.

Pitfalls

The bout of suspected faith
Vouches an inferential deceit
The heart to triumph over the vigorous test
An unwanted desire to forfeit

So long most impervious heart
Translucent to kind deception
Its cries, shrilling and utmost
Hear this, woe to oppression

Convicted with these calculated mistakes,
Spotless and blameless, for we are not;
Using a powerful scheme to contrive
How we can utter the truth we almost forgot

Intentions were madly concealed
Excuses made to divert the blame
In whatever ways, truth always prevails
Hurt, but love remained the same.

Malicious Aversion

Whenever you try to talk to me and stare right into my eyes, I just feel that you are piercing though my head like my skull is going to shatter and it sends a quivering horror down my spine.

Whenever you try to cover me with your, what can I say, fervent love? It's not love I can say, it's compulsive preoccupation.

Whenever you try to reach me with your, what you thought utterly, endless words and stories, I can say they are all nitwitted and pointless.

Whenever you try to catch my attention, forgive me, but you are just some figment of someone's imagination, not mine, unless you are a big part of my world, then so I can consider.

Whenever you stand beside me, I feel like I'm close to a bedlamite whose insanity is enough to tore my clothes off and slit my chest.

Whenever I see your face, I feel like that moment is going to haunt me till I run to hell. Just seeing your face feels like every dream is going to be a nightmare where you are going to rip me out of my framework.

Just so you know, I'm not very pleased to meet you, I just realized that and I can't even imagine why I kept you in my life. For all the reasons, I can't find one now.

You are like a monster under my bed waiting for me to get up so you could have the chance to abduct me to your maniac world! You are one hell of a creep and how I just wish, how I really wish that you just stay away from me.

Interrogative

It makes me wonder how one person can stay in one place for a long time - how they can take on the extremes of different situations yet, still, remain firm and rooted. It is quite a mystery to me how one can remain faithful. What is the secret ingredient that makes a person stay? When do people become sick and bored of a relationship? How do people learn to stick with a partner for a long time? Do they become bored too but tend to endure? How do they endure? How can they conceive the idea of getting stuck? What good will it do to you? Will it do any good to you?

Many questions. Less and absurd answers.